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July 24, 2006

Death be not proud...my God gardens well.

"DEATH be not proud, though some have called thee Mighty and dreadfull, for, thou art not so, For, those, whom thou think'st, thou dost overthrow, Die not, poore death, nor yet canst thou kill me. From rest and sleepe, which but thy pictures bee, Much pleasure, then from thee, much more must flow, And soonest our best men with thee doe goe, Rest of their bones, and soules deliverie. Thou art slave to Fate, Chance, kings, and desperate men, And dost with poyson, warre, and sicknesse dwell, And poppie, or charmes can make us sleepe as well, And better then thy stroake; why swell'st thou then; One short sleepe past, wee wake eternally, And death shall be no more; death, thou shalt die."
John Donne(1572-1631)


This week has been a series of difficult events heaping themselves on me until I was buried deep in what felt like a suffocating death. Technically, last week was when the life began shoveling on the heaviness. The week ended with a beautiful wedding, which usually bring me heaps of joy, but, upon arriving home, you would have thought the wedding had been a funeral. Jacob was half heat-stroked on our couch with his head in his hands. Evidently, while he and his cousin were on the road the car died. Not like, "opps the battery died," but like "Heidi, even the mechanic doesn't think the car's worth ressurecting." With this in mind, we chose to deal with the car dilemma after going to the reception, perhaps, it would lift our spirits. Happily, it was a delightful time with square dancing and great food. After the festivities Jacob, Laura, and I drove out to the car and spent our time telling stories in the glow of the car light--the thing is--although car lights are enchanting and produce a wonderful story-telling atmosphere...they are draining to the car battery. As a result, in a matter of minutes, we had become, 3 worn out souls, 2 dead cars on the side of the highway, and one very confused AAA tow-truck guy. I'm pretty sure he thought Laura and I were crazy, because, by the time he got there, we had been adorning each other with weeds while waltzing along the interstate. Then evening ended, and the by the next morning we were blessed with a car from our brother Worku. I DO see the car as a blessing, but it was a tad bit of a bugger to realize it had to be "roll-started". The process entailed Jacob steering the car while I pushed it with all my might. Hey, I wasn't complaining, but after the third roll start, our Flintstone technique had lost it's charm. However, Jacob, got a new battery (after getting stranded the next day) and things were looking up. With the car working, I stocked our fridge with perishable items, anticipating the arrival of my dear friend Rachel from Michigan. Rachel and I had four whole days to spend with each other before she and her husband moved to Korea for two years! I was so excited to forget about the week's problems and enjoy every moment with her! The thing is, when she arrived she was in a lot of pain from a tender spot under her arm and heat rash, so the first day she had to rest and was conked out from the antihistamine I gave her. As if things couldn't get worse, the next day, the spot under her arm had swollen to the circumstance of a softball, and on her request, I rushed her to the emergency room. Once the doctor saw her, she was admitted to the hospital with the understanding that she would need treatment immediately and be stuck there 4-7 days! Bye bye to all our plans! My heart was aching because she was hurting, plus she was doped up on pain killers so quality time became more quantity time...and I do mean quanity because when the hospital's power went out, you notice how LOOOOONG a day is. There she was, sweating it out in luke warm hospital to the hum of St. Louis residents asking for ice. I was just about at my breaking point when I learned that my power had also gone out, and the fully stocked fridge had gobbled all my groceries for itself! It was at that point...in the darkness of that night...that the final nail had been driven into my coffen and I, overwhelmed with grief, and frustration I curled up on my bed and wept. I wept like I wept when I learned about my grandfather died and the farm was being sold. I wept so hard I couldn't breathe. I wept so long that I was exhausted, and I knew I needed to escape or I was going to pass out. Usually, my means of escape are dancing or singing-praying would have been a good idea, but that was not going to happen because I was too angry. I thought over my options and realized, life felt too heavy for dancing, singing took too much energy, and eventually I grabbed my headphones and pressed play. Silly me! I was hoping to hear something a bit percussive and angry, but the CD I thought was in had been switched out with one I had found under my dresser earlier that day. God's intentional ways...I assure you! What happened next was amazing! The song in the CD player was one I hadn't listened to in years; I don't even remember who sings it. But the lyrics were like water to my buried soul. They were these: "Oh my baby when you're crying never hide your face from me. I have come with light to set you free"...light had so much more meaning when the powers out...now I was REALLY listening..."Worry not my daughter. Worry not my son. When life don't seem worth living come to Jesus, let him hold you in his arms." It was amazing because there I was in the dark, wanting nothing more than light and comfort, God brought light and comfort. Curled up in a ball, salty from tears, I had this image of myself all knotted up like a flower bulb (you know how they are a knot of roots all bound up in that shell thing). Then I imagined God placing me deep in to the darkness of the dirt. In the heaviness he showered his song over me. And as I was lying dormant under an undeniable heaviness, He was weeding the garden above me. Then, in his perfect timing, He lovingly put his hands down unraveling my roots pulling me long and green the Son's light. He had grown me! I thought I was dying from being buried alive under the burden of life's catastrophes. I had given up...all to realize that he had not been buried me, He had planted me, tended me, loved me! To this I say Thank you Jesus! You are the most beautiful gardener! And later that night while Jacob I were reading John Donne's Death Be Not Proud, I thought to my self, "that's right Death. Don't be proud. My God pulls life from death"...Then, I rolled over, blew out the candle, stretched out my sweaty arms like dew covered leaves, and drifted into much needed sleep.

Posted by Heidi V. at 01:46 PM | Comments (10)

July 07, 2006

I am Half of My Mother's Egg

When God was knitting my sister, Heather, in my mother's womb, he was also knitting me. I am a twin. Pretty nifty NOW, but as a child, my sister and I didn't know we were twins until, Sister Mary Etta, a nun that taught us how to read, confessed that she knew something about us that we didn't...Which was, as you know, that we were in fact born on the same day from the same belly? Upon the discovery of such heinousness, Heather came home immediately informing my mother about the situation! Needless to say, mom wasn't shocked, but Heather and I were beside ourselves with a "Hail Mary what did we do to deserve this" feeling! Since then, we have learned that twinship is much more a blessing than a punishment. Hum...although (doing my best Freud face)...dressing the same everyday for many years could have contributed to why I had my share of visits to psychologists. Speaking of psychologists: They-who are, by the way, usually not twins-will tell you that in every set of twins there is a dominate one and recessive one. I'm not so sure what that means, but if that's true, Heather, would have been considered the dominate twin, and I would have been the recessive. By this I mean, she usually tried things before I did, was more "grown-up". She seemed to exude a sort of "leave it to me to get you out of this one" attitude. Where as, I was more the kid licking the flag pole in the winter to entertain friends at recess. We were both really into different types of crowds but did overlap in athletics because we often played different postions or did different events. All in all, Heather was your all American girl and enjoyed things like being voted Homecoming Queen and student of the month in computer class. I was, well, not sure about America, and did not enjoy such things as being voted "most likely to get a sex change". I shared the vote with this guy Tim that looked a lot like a pubescent Freddie Mercury. But all youthful mortification aside, I loved that we were so different. We understood each other. We understood each other SO WELL that we, even now, don't have to use full sentences to communicate. Instead we resort to a language of sighs, facial expressions, giggles, and sobbing sounds (oh my the joy of subtext). A typical conversation may be a jumble of "I know"s, "you don't have to say it"s sigh...grin...sob...no way...grin...sob...etc. But being a twin had its Twilight Zone moments too! For example, Heather got this dog when I was away at college. He was a bit vicious and protective of her. Well, when I visited, she had stepped out for a bit, and I not knowing any of the stories of her attack dog, went to pet him. When Heather came home she started running to protect me from his viciousness. The thing is, I had been playing with him for over an hour, and the entire time he didn't even growl at me. I though maybe the dog had turned over a new leaf, but when Jacob came out he was back to his snarl-and-bark self. The only reason Heather and I could think of...for him not hurting me...was that Heather and I have indistinguishable voices and maybe similar smells? Even, weirder than the animal connection is the sixth sense thing we have when the other twin is going through something major. Like when I was spending the night at my friend's house I had to be rushed to the hospital to get over 30 stitches in my knee from a bike accident. Right before I fell, Heather called my friend's house thinking I was in danger. My friend's mom assured her that I was fine and she that she could see me playing outside. Literally minutes later, my knee had met its match with the gravel and I was rushed to emergency room for a major stitch-up. Even about a year ago when Heather got pregnant my cycle stopped completely. I had all the signs of being pregnant even feeling dizzy and nauseous in the mornings. Later that month She called to say SHE was pregnant and all my symptoms went away...INSERT ALFRED HITCHCOCKS SYRUPY VOICE AND TWILIGHT ZONE MUSIC HERE...All in all, I like being a twin. And, the most exciting thing of all is that I married into a family loaded with twins. Jacob's mom AND sisters are twins. This means I get to have kids Noah's Ark style, and that brings me much joy.

Posted by Heidi V. at 12:34 PM | Comments (15)